I can never do things in half-measures. When things get difficult, I just want to start over. No fixing, no mending; just scrap it and go back to a blank page.
Yet scrapping doesn’t actually mean it’s gone. I hang onto every tiny idea for some other time in the future. It’s why I have 17 years of blog archives and two boxes full of notebooks.
Recovering my ability to read has started to feel like another coping mechanism, another way to hide myself from the world. Starting today, and for the month of June, I won’t be reading the internet or books. I’ll be putting my attention on my own words, not those of other people. I’ll be trying to make something out of the last 20 years of my work.
2018’s word was FOCUS, and while it feels like a success, I pointed all my FOCUS outward. 2019’s word is BUILD, and I can’t do that without a strong foundation. Right now, I’m standing on the unsteady ground of unfinished projects and unrealised dreams. It’s time to shore up my creative life.
So you won’t be getting these confessionals for a month, at least. Instead! A daily project. A tiny one, enough to stretch the muscle of habit. A poem a day, posted here, and to help myself along, I’m taking a lyric from Harry Styles’s eponymous album as my first line. Maybe it’ll be a book by the end of the month, and I’ll call it PINK because he couldn’t.
(Missing yesterday’s post isn’t a failure, but a tiny success. The last two nights, I’ve left my phone in the living room before going to bed. So when I realised last night that I hadn’t posted anything, I was already in bed, and I didn’t want to disturb a new and fragile habit. I slept instead.)