2019.05.09

The last time I was at the arts centre, for life drawing, I didn’t even think about it: I just walked up to the front desk and asked about teaching a class. And the woman there reacted in the best way. “Our program director’s card is right here. We’re always looking for new teachers!”

This is the kind of thing I think about forever, I research, I wonder, I look and look for instructions, but never actually ask. That’s probably the most Capricorn thing about me: I can’t bring myself to ask for help.

I put that business card in my wallet, promising myself I’d send an email before the end of the May. A lot of Millennials hate the phone; I hate email just as much. The other day, back in bed after breakfast and feeling awful, I started writing that email in my head. It sounded OK? It actually came together kinda easily?

So I got up, I typed it out, I found the email address, and I just sent the thing.

Those of you who don’t have a mental illness might read this post and wonder, ‘what is her problem? This is what I do at work every day of my life.’

This was not easy for me. This has never been easy for me. I’ve spent most of my adult life waiting for life to come to me because I couldn’t figure out how to do anything if it wasn’t already perfect in my head.

This was not easy for me, but I did it anyway, and that is a victory, however small.

A few hours later, I refreshed my email, curious and only a little bit anxious. No response from the arts centre yet, but I did have an email from my local librarian. The free (and unpaid) arts programs I host there are, really, the first step I needed to make before I could ever send that proposal.

The librarian was writing to let me know some other branches are interested in the zine workshops I hosted in March. And also, we need to start planning what we’re going to do in November for NaNoWriMo. And maybe zines again in summer.

None of this is easy, and I still wish it was. I wish we didn’t have to suffer so much just to be seen. But I feel really good today. It won’t last very long, so I’m writing it down here for you to know and me to remember.