I have a new story in the Torquere Valentine’s Day anthology! It’s called “Same Sex”, and, in keeping with the conversation hearts theme, it’s about Andy, who doesn’t know how to tell his boyfriend, Nat, that he’s not happy with their sex life. 

I’m actually working on the final edits right now, so you should hit my ask box with all kinds of distracting questions! Maybe I’ll have a teaser to offer up later.

Words: 755

Words: 755
Minutes: 105

Believe it or not, today was an early start. I was awake at 8, out of bed by 9, and now it’s almost 10, and I’m already writing. A few things I want to do: write the pieces for the zine, figure out the artwork captions, fill out at least one form, take a shower, finish switching Home is Everywhere to past tense. I’m pretty sure I have a new outline, and it’s even longer than I thought it might be. It’s all about stretching out the conflict. I need to give them a little longer to fight. I will probably need to delete some stuff, which is always hard. It just is. Even when you know it has to go. And especially because it’s not the kind of scene that I can just turn into something else. It just doesn’t fit this way anymore. I have to write it a different way.

And the day started out so well. Another thing I really wanted to do today was look at some jobs and send out some resumes. I want to send my resume to the cruise lines again. I really want that job. I think it would be perfect for me, my lifestyle, and it’s something I love to do. I’ve had one interview; I can get another. But the thing that I know I can finish today is getting Home is Everywhere to a place where I can just write on it. Where I know what needs to be written next and where it needs fixing. I need to do the next edits on Same Sex, because that arrived today. I keep forgetting to sit down and work through the marketing doc, even though it’s been in my current folder for weeks. And this paragraph is done now.

Instead of going off and looking at Tumblr (all though I found the greatest Harry/Louis reference post while I was off and looking), I’m just going to write the next paragraph. I don’t really have anything I’m desperate to read at the moment. I’ve been randomly going through the One Direction folder in iBooks, reading whatever catches me. Next step is to get my iPhone to sync completely everything again, but at least I have (most of) my books back. Music isn’t so important. I don’t listen to a ton of music on my phone. Because I don’t listen to a ton of music period anymore. I can’t while I’m writing, and I try to be mostly writing. Or reading. That’s what my days are made up of these days. I’m so close to finishing the AGNS zine. It’s this thing where I want to be working on it, but I also feel bad about working on it.

I feel like I should be doing other stuff. But it’s so much other stuff that I’m paralysed about what to work on. It’s one of the reasons why I’m not pushing myself to write a ton of short stories at the moment. I think getting Summer Brave and Home is Everywhere done is a good goal for the first months of the year. I have something coming out in February, then something in March (I think it’s March), then a few more stories still out there without a response. I should be able to send Home to DSP when it’s done, and I should get it published. It’s almost nice knowing that if they don’t want it, TQ definitely will. TQ doesn’t seem to have any standards at all. But they pay. And if people just like my work, that’s where they can buy it.

I have to think about how to publish Away Game. I’m going to need to take a moment and psych myself up to rewrite it. On that list of things to do is talk to Liz about self-publishing on Amazon and talk to Shana, too, about how to make it better. Talk to Slod about a cover? I found this person on Tumblr who has put together the best 1D timelines, and now I want to read them all. It’s so crazy that this band is still only three years old, and is so connected to social media, that it’s easy to put all of this stuff together. There are tweets and photos and gifs and it’s pretty amazing. This tattoo thing, I can’t even believe. Harry’s butterfly and Louis’s chest piece are explicitly put together by the exact same tattoo artist who did theirs. That looks like something to me.

You're what I never expected

it’s strange how things happen. you want something so badly for so long…and never get it…until you stop looking for it.

now, here’s the story. i’m a 21 year-old guy. halfway through my geography degree at ubc. working at a nightclub downtown. never really been in a serious relationship. always wanted to find something like that, but never really met anybody worthwhile. don’t get me wrong, i was a bit of a slut when i was younger…but that was me not having realized how unfulfilling that is.

now, working at a bar, a lot of people assume a few things:

1a. i’m a mega-whore, willing to sleep with anything that comes my way.
1b. i’m always getting hit on.
2a. i like my liquor. in fact, i need my liquor.
2b. i love doin’ jib, e and smack (especially all at once!)
3. i have no responsibility to anyone but myself.
4a. i’m good in bed.
4b. i’m packin’ a ten-inch monster in my pants.

all of these things are false. however, good luck trying to explain that to someone who doesn’t work in the nightlife. on top of that, these impressions are exacerbated due to the fact that i work in a gay bar.

now, yes, i’m gay, but i’m really not like those fags on queer as folk…or even on davie street! i’m just a guy. you’d never know that i’m gay unless i told you. i don’t particularly like fashion, especially not the “couture” that most fags live by (i don’t care that your louis vuitton ascot cost you $500. it’s still tacky). i’m not wealthy. i don’t live in the west end. i don’t refer to anybody by “girlfriend”. and most of all, i don’t get laid. i get enough people telling me that i’m cute every now and then to guess that i’m not fugly, but i’m definitely no hottie. think a cross between ben stiller and dylan mcdermott and that’s something close to who i look like. basically, i don’t really identify as “gay”. i like guys; that’s as far as it goes.

so, this boils down to two things: because i’m not particularly good-looking and i don’t fit into the scene, i get zero attention…except from gentlemen who are old enough to be my grandfather.

so, we have our staff party last night. go to the oasis pub. have a few drinks and dinner…then, after a few mystery shots, we go down to the odyssey.

my friend lauren was there…and so was a friend of hers, a guy by the name of micajah. i had met him before, but only briefly. my heart melted the moment i set my eyes on him. shaggy, brown hair, septum piercing, red glasses, earrings, a feeling about him. an incredible feeling.

we all dance a li’l bit. i, not being one for dancing much, decide to buy a beer before last call. i motion this to micajah. he says that he’ll come with. i’m not complaining.

i buy a bottle. buy him one too. we sit on the patio and hang out. i remember his skin. kept brushing against my arm. soft…like suede or something.

i can’t remember most of the details of our discussion, save for talking about frank gehry and urban planning and travel and daniel quinn and everything and nothing. with every word, i became more enraptured by him. i was falling in love.

wait…i’m not supposed to fall in love. i was happy being single and celibate. love’s supposed to be this thing that happens to other people. i was never meant for love, and it was definitely never meant for me.

he blows me away. he does. i woke up this morning, and he was on my mind. i went to work, i kept repeating his name. i told everyone i talked to today about him. he’s the kind of guy that my parents would love – and that’s an important quality.

but now, i’m scared. i’m so scared of ruining this before i begin.

jesus – it’s six in the morning. you see how much he’s been on my mind?

god, if you’re out there, please, give me a sign.

you’re what i never expected.
Reply to: anon-56227663@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-19,  5:58AM PST

I found this now, saved in a long-forgotten folder, among lists of CDs I wanted to buy, story ideas and beginnings never finished, college papers, and bits of code from every website I made for myself back in the ’00s. I found this then on Craigslist, and it hit me so hard, I tucked it away, like a love letter between the pages of my favourite book, and I thought I’d lost it through a few computers and a lot of crashes. I’m putting it here now for you, and for me, and for this boy in love, and for everyone else still looking for their sign from god.