it’s strange how things happen. you want something so badly for so long…and never get it…until you stop looking for it.
now, here’s the story. i’m a 21 year-old guy. halfway through my geography degree at ubc. working at a nightclub downtown. never really been in a serious relationship. always wanted to find something like that, but never really met anybody worthwhile. don’t get me wrong, i was a bit of a slut when i was younger…but that was me not having realized how unfulfilling that is.
now, working at a bar, a lot of people assume a few things:
1a. i’m a mega-whore, willing to sleep with anything that comes my way.
1b. i’m always getting hit on.
2a. i like my liquor. in fact, i need my liquor.
2b. i love doin’ jib, e and smack (especially all at once!)
3. i have no responsibility to anyone but myself.
4a. i’m good in bed.
4b. i’m packin’ a ten-inch monster in my pants.
all of these things are false. however, good luck trying to explain that to someone who doesn’t work in the nightlife. on top of that, these impressions are exacerbated due to the fact that i work in a gay bar.
now, yes, i’m gay, but i’m really not like those fags on queer as folk…or even on davie street! i’m just a guy. you’d never know that i’m gay unless i told you. i don’t particularly like fashion, especially not the “couture” that most fags live by (i don’t care that your louis vuitton ascot cost you $500. it’s still tacky). i’m not wealthy. i don’t live in the west end. i don’t refer to anybody by “girlfriend”. and most of all, i don’t get laid. i get enough people telling me that i’m cute every now and then to guess that i’m not fugly, but i’m definitely no hottie. think a cross between ben stiller and dylan mcdermott and that’s something close to who i look like. basically, i don’t really identify as “gay”. i like guys; that’s as far as it goes.
so, this boils down to two things: because i’m not particularly good-looking and i don’t fit into the scene, i get zero attention…except from gentlemen who are old enough to be my grandfather.
so, we have our staff party last night. go to the oasis pub. have a few drinks and dinner…then, after a few mystery shots, we go down to the odyssey.
my friend lauren was there…and so was a friend of hers, a guy by the name of micajah. i had met him before, but only briefly. my heart melted the moment i set my eyes on him. shaggy, brown hair, septum piercing, red glasses, earrings, a feeling about him. an incredible feeling.
we all dance a li’l bit. i, not being one for dancing much, decide to buy a beer before last call. i motion this to micajah. he says that he’ll come with. i’m not complaining.
i buy a bottle. buy him one too. we sit on the patio and hang out. i remember his skin. kept brushing against my arm. soft…like suede or something.
i can’t remember most of the details of our discussion, save for talking about frank gehry and urban planning and travel and daniel quinn and everything and nothing. with every word, i became more enraptured by him. i was falling in love.
wait…i’m not supposed to fall in love. i was happy being single and celibate. love’s supposed to be this thing that happens to other people. i was never meant for love, and it was definitely never meant for me.
he blows me away. he does. i woke up this morning, and he was on my mind. i went to work, i kept repeating his name. i told everyone i talked to today about him. he’s the kind of guy that my parents would love – and that’s an important quality.
but now, i’m scared. i’m so scared of ruining this before i begin.
jesus – it’s six in the morning. you see how much he’s been on my mind?
god, if you’re out there, please, give me a sign.
you’re what i never expected.
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2005-01-19, 5:58AM PST
I found this now, saved in a long-forgotten folder, among lists of CDs I wanted to buy, story ideas and beginnings never finished, college papers, and bits of code from every website I made for myself back in the ’00s. I found this then on Craigslist, and it hit me so hard, I tucked it away, like a love letter between the pages of my favourite book, and I thought I’d lost it through a few computers and a lot of crashes. I’m putting it here now for you, and for me, and for this boy in love, and for everyone else still looking for their sign from god.