2012.02.15

i’m having a lot of problems right now. biggest amongst them is that i can’t even write a measly 750 words for this silly website. it used to be that i could sit down and bang this out in 12 minutes. now, i can’t even be bothered with that. my mind is always on a million things at once. something that has definitely helped is that book: the follow-through factor. and the biggest piece of advice i took from that book is just choose. make a choice and do something. because there will always be something else. there will always be a better idea. there will always be something you think you should be doing. but if you never decide, you never do anything. just choose. that’s how i ended up in halifax. i stopped planning and thinking and wondering and dreaming and i just made a choice. i picked a city, i bought a flight, i packed and left. i didn’t have a job, i barely had a place to stay, i didn’t know the city or anyone in it. i’m so glad i did. even though i’m going home, i’m so glad i just chose halifax. now i’ve chosen to do the teaching degree at ubc. i’ve put it off. i’ve avoided teaching since i was in high school. it’s never what i wanted to do, but it’s something that i can do. so i’m just going to do it. because, yes, it’ll take me a year. yes, i’ll probably have an even harder time writing my novel during that year. but a year later, i’d rather be a teacher than not a teacher. i’d rather have done something than not done something, and that hasn’t always been true in my life before. i’ve put off so much. i’ve talked myself out of everything. i’ve second guessed and i’ve flat out refused. it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. this is what’s going to get me somewhere. here’s what i’m thinking about right now. i’m going home at the end of june. i’ll go to school and hopefully be able to find a teaching, tutoring, daycare job of some sort. i want to make a lot more zines. i want to figure out how to make cookies and sell them on the internet. packaged in boxes or tubes or cheap plastic containers or thrift store ceramic or mason jars or vacuum sealed or ziploc bags or wax paper envelopes or tupperware or cellophane or what. what works. what’s cheap. what’s expensive. what will survive through the mail. let’s look at loans and small retail spaces or pop-up stores or friend’s basements. let’s think about apizza scholls. because i haven’t eaten there, ever, but i can’t stop thinking about how he runs his shop. they make their dough by hand, in small batches. they make their pizzas one way, and it’s not yours. you don’t get a choice. when they’re out, they’re out. no reservations. just show up. you can’t get it delivered. just show up. you have to find them. you have to seek them out. there’s a bit of mystery and adventure and at the end of the road, the best pizza you’ve ever had. or so i’m told. if you want our cookies, you have to find us. we’re on twitter. we’ll tell you that morning, and we’ll be gone when the stock is gone, so show up early. come and find us. in the past, i’ve been so worried about permits and licenses and rules and regulations. but it’s all just asking for permission. it’s another way to stall. because what if i put myself out there and i fail. what happens the next time i try. if you don’t try, you don’t fail. that’s a safe and comfortable place to be in. but nothing every happens there. you don’t make money, you don’t meet people, you don’t find out who you are and what makes you happy. all you get is a nice warm cozy bed and maybe something to eat. but i bet one of my cookies would be better. with a cold glass of milk. or, hmm, warm milk. that’s something to think about. milk and cookies theme. i bet that food truck’s been done. the big thing now is themes. everyone has a theme and a cool logo, but how much are they focusing on food.