I don’t understand why i can’t just write this thing. why is it so hard? i love these characters, i honestly do. i have all these ideas, but keep tripping myself up with plot. fuck plot. i’m going to write something where plot doesn’t matter. i’m going to put it out of my head completely. i’m going to write short scenes.

the story is way too big. there’s no beginning, middle, end. there’s no structure. ugh ugh ugh. why is writing so hard? if i’m not doing 750 words right now, what i need is just a place to collect my suggestions and complaints. the director’s commentary, if you will.

i have more than 2k words of this story already. and those 2k words are just notes. just seeds of scenes that i can’t forget for when i want to expand them. and when i expand what i’ve already got, my best guess is that it’ll be 20k words already. and it doesn’t even have an ending yet. it’s already a better novel than this thing i’ve been working on since october. i keep forgetting that the thing i’m writing on the blog isn’t the thing i’m writing in scrivener and it’s not the thing i’m rambling here in text file. it’s insane. why does my brain do this to me? every time i try to focus, put the blinders on, i get amazing ideas that are way too tempting. i have to work harder to make the thing i’m working on tempting. i need to work harder to get to know these characters and this world.

i can read different novels at the same time. can i write different novellas at the same time? because i think i want to do something like what stephen king does. he has a bunch of novellas, things he bashes out after he’s done a novel but still has some energy left. just enough. then he collects them, finds a throughline, and publishes them all together. but, if i start out knowing i’ll be publishing them together, maybe it’ll help. something like the rules of attraction. there are people in that book who never meet, but they still get a storyline.