2010.11.14

(This post was originally written on 750words.com. It has been edited.)

I’m so far behind on Nano. I don’t know when I’ll even get a chance to catch up. I need a couple of ten thousand word days, but when have i ever had those. i don’t even have all my fingers right now. I’m typing with nine, and the one that’s missing is my left middle finger. it’s actually pretty important. it’s more important that you might think when touch typing. i’m keeping myself on track with 750 words. why can’t i do the same with nano? because these aren’t real words. this is just rambling. this is easy, when i get the time to do it. when i take the time to do it. like right now. it’s less than 30 minutes until midnight. i’ve only just torn myself away from the nothing i was doing to finally get this done. because i am a procrastinator of the highest degree. i will put it all off to just laze about a little longer. i don’t believe in work first play later. it’s play as much as possible, then do the work at the last minute. i manage my time very well. i know exactly when i need to start to get it done. it’s not like it takes me any longer than it would if i did it earlier. but i could save myself a lot of grief. and worry. and stress. but that’s just not the way my brain works, and i don’t know if i can retrain it after all these years. i don’t know if it’s possible, but honestly, i’ve never tried. i just want to write, i don’t want to do it in one certain way. but is this the reason i haven’t been published yet? no, not really. the reason i havent been published is because i havent sent anything out. but the reason i havent sent anything out is because i don’t think i’ve written something that’s worth sending out. i don’t think i would know where to send it even if i did. that’s what i’m trying to fix with this novel. that’s what i have to believe anyway. that’s what i have to believe if i’m going to keep writing this thing. which i’m not exactly doing, am i? i haven’t added significantly to the file in days. i’m going backwards, actually, expanding some old stuff instead of moving the plot forward. because i’m not really sure where the plot is going apart from forward. i don’t really even know where forward is.