(This post was originally written on 750words.com. It has been edited.)

so yesterday i completely forgot until it was already past midnight. but the day before was not my fault. something obviously went wrong with the site because i wrote 750 words, and now, more than 500 of them are just gone. it’s not even a lag thing. they’ve disappeared completely. it’s annoying. i was writing about shakespeare, two gentlemen of verona, and i may have had some actual ideas in there somewhere, and now they’re just gone. i don’t know.

i don’t know how much longer i want to do this. i mean, i want to do it, but it bothers me that it’s so easy to fall down. the only thing i can do is start writing again. starting at zero again. but i know i can do it. i made it more than 30 days. that’s pretty impressive. it actually is. i have to write 750 on the actual day, because it won’t let me write them any other time. it doesn’t count otherwise. it’s a lesson in deadlines and responsibility and writing and ideas. can i write every day? yes. do i want to write every day? yes. but will i write every day? no.

sometimes i don’t sometimes i just want to read or watch tv. that’s what fucked me up yesterday. so many shows premiered this week, and i’m already behind. i caught up yesterday with the chuck and castle premieres, and the first episode of hawaii 5-0, and i think i watched rubicon, too, didn’t i? maybe. now i don’t remember. but that was the reason i failed my 750 words. i was too busy watching tv. isn’t that awful? isn’t that was jonathan franzen talks about in his book of essays. if you really want to write a novel, you have to give up tv. but not in the sense you think you do. you’re thinking that you have to give up watching tv, because it’s so time consuming. But the truth is, you have to give it up because conflicting narratives make it hard to write.

that’s why i can’t read fiction and write fiction at the same time. it’s like a conflict of interest. i shouldn’t be able to watch tv and movies and write at the same time, but what happens is, i let the tv and movies take over. i let that happen, and i really should stop. there are so few shows i want to watch this season. white collar and psych are already done, though, i think i may give up psych next year. this season just felt off. i think i can give chuck a pass for a while, unless i hear word that it gets totally awesome. no captain awesome in the premiere, which is always a bad sign. i’m watching the big bang theory. i’m going to watch friday night lights when it premieres, which i don’t know is when, but is probably not for a while. i’m going to watch hawaii 5-0 a little longer, but i don’t think it’ll last. i don’t think it’s very good, but i like scott caan, and i like him in it. and i do love a buddy cop cliche. there’s not much else. i’m happy letting criminal minds go, considering they seem so blase about losing half the team, and more than half the female population.

i’m happy to let csi pile up for a few months before i check in on the guys. that’s really what csi is like for me. it’s been on the air so long now, i almost can’t believe it. i’ve had favourite shows come and go in between, but my csi team is still there, mostly intact. i still love them, but don’t feel the need to see them all the time. it’s like they’re my touring rock star boyfriend. he goes away to meet new people, but always managing to hang onto the connection back home. i’ll pick up the story again when there are enough episodes for it to mean something. it always takes that much longer to figure out characters than any other performance. there’s so little in each episodes that it takes a few