2010.09.16

(This post was originally written on 750words.com. It has been edited.)

Running out of time again. This is getting harder. Not the actual doing of it, the typing. But taking the time out to devote to it. It’s only 15 minutes, sometimes less, but it’s 15 undistracted minutes, which is weird. I’m usually doing more than one thing. I’m usually watching something or listening to something, as well as checking downloads and reloading Tumblr or thinking about what I’m supposed to be writing. And that’s the tough part.

When I’m writing here, I can be listening to music, like I am right now (Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep), but that’s about the only other thing I can be doing. Everything else has to be put aside, and while I know it’s something I really should do more often, it’s a tough habit to break. I’m just not used to not being able to look things up. Even checking a spelling in Google. I try not to do that kind of thing when I’m typing my 750 words. I don’t even feel comfortable tonight. I’m just trying to get through it, get it done before midnight. Then I’m going to go get my laundry, and get into bed, and turn off my computer, and probably write a bit more on my iPhone, but get to sleep pretty early.

I have to go downtown again tomorrow. That sounds like it’s a chore, and it’s really not. I want to go downtown and I want to see Bard, but I do have to get up early and take care of some things first. I need to mail a package, get a package ready to mail, rather, and I need to phone the University. I put things off, for no reason I can fathom. I just would rather do something else. I would rather be reading or writing or watching something amazing than most other things in the world. I’d rather be baking or cooking or eating a great meal. I’d rather be writing, I think, most of all.

I always say I wish I had the time, but the truth is, I don’t need the time. I had the time, and it got wasted because what I need is the structure. I need a schedule that I can work the writing around. That’s what I’m trying to negotiate right now. It’s not helping if I spend an entire day, poking at the doc, writing and adding and editing and tweaking, then all my work is gone when I get home and sync. That’s just depressing. That’s not the way technology is supposed to work. It’s supposed to help you write and create more, not send you into a low level depressive state. Because what I did today was so good, but it was all over the place, and I don’t think I can reproduce it all. I know already that what I’ve managed to put down again is not exactly what I had. And it’s not even half of what I was working on. I was changing lots of little things. I kind of remember the gist, but not the dialogue. I know there was more to that scene at the beginning. I know I made things better, and now it’s just depressing that it’s all gone.

It’s not enough to stop me, but I just felt so good about today. I felt like I was really getting somewhere. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Just keep at it, keep writing. Maybe I should start another note. My own, not shared. Maybe I should write in there when I’m offline. That’ll keep it safe. Good idea.