(This post was originally written on 750words.com. It has been edited.)
I don’t have a lot of time this morning. I need to make this a 12 minute, rather than a 20 minute session. It’s not that I’m going to miss my bus; I’m not. It’s just that last night was the second night I fell asleep with my computer on. I don’t even remember what time. I just woke up at 2am with all my lights still on. At least I had taken my glasses off. I don’t remember why I did that, though.
This job is wearing me out already. I’m just not used to the schedule and the pace. It’s been too many years. It’s actually been my whole life since I’ve done something like this because I’ve never done something like this. Even my plastic bag job wasn’t as stressful. As much as it was night and day shifts, and long hours, and random days, it was still an independent job in a factory. There wasn’t a lot of dealing with people. This job is all dealing with people. But, honestly, I think I’d rather the dealing with people part than the sewing part right now. I just want to get better at one thing before I have to move on to the other thing. And I still don’t believe I’m fast enough. I’d rather the quiet moments of always standing, but just prepping, to the sitting moments of stress over ruining someone else’s clothes.
And now I’m stuck for words. Where was I going? I just want to read again. Sit down with a book and just read. I just want to write again. Oh my god, even though I’m writing a lot with Simplenote on my iPhone, I still feel like I miss it. Because I haven’t written with paper and pen, maybe. Because I have looked at my docs in forever. I think I’m done trying to write short stories for deadlines. I think putting my limited writing time and energy into something big will be far more worth it in the long run.
But it’s not linear at all. Because I’m writing it in Simplenote in snatches of free time, it’s just scenes, ideas, moments. But that’s how I want to write anyway. I’ll make them longer, of course. Maybe even as long as a chapter, but I want it to feel like episodes. Like maybe you missed something in between that only gets referenced later, and you get to imagine it for yourself. Maybe it wasn’t important to us then, but it comes up again and we see it in a whole new light. Maybe it gets written, eventually. That’s how I want to write. That’s how I want to read.
It starts with tiny moments. Then I go back through them and expand. And expand. And rearrange. And expand. Until I get something I love. Until I get something I can work with and publish and then maybe they’ll make a movie? Even better, then they’ll make a TV series. That’s probably the wrong thinking in the creative business. In this age when an iPhone game is being made into a movie, it seems silly to wish a book I write will be made into something for television. It’ll get cancelled, and it won’t make as much money, but that’s the medium of my heart. TV is what I love, above all else. Because I love words and I love great performance, and I get one in books and one on stage, but I get both right in my living room with television.