2010.08.26

(This post was originally written on 750words.com. It has been edited.)

No more putting it off. It’s already 10:30, and I haven’t showered or dressed yet. I’m still not completely used to having the internet all the time yet. So I feel like I’m gorging myself sometimes. It’s really hard, after the 10 days away, and now more than 8 hours of work and commute, to come home and feel like I can catch up on all the things I want to catch up on. Because there actually isn’t that much, but it feels like that much.

It’ll be better when I have an iPhone, which will not happen just yet. Apparently, they don’t like my credit. I’ll try again in a month maybe, when there have been a few paychecks. It’d be nice if they’d tell me why my credit was rejected, but I think I can figure it out. There hasn’t been money coming into that account, not in any decent amount, for a long time. But, funny that they reject you for that. If cellular providers and mortgage brokers and credit card companies all rejected you for little things, how did we get into this awful economic climate in the first place?

Maybe I will just buy an iPod Touch. I don’t know. The iPhone does seem like a good deal. Only 50 bucks a month. I can handle that. Once I pay off my credit card with the first paycheck (which I should be able to do completely). Once I’ve logged a few weeks of hours, I’ll try again. It’s just frustrating. I wanted it now. Now that app wishlist will just have to wait. And grow, I suspect.

I wish this job let me write, though. That’s the big thing. That’s the thing I’m most worried about, actually. As much as I’m nervous about the pace of the sewing, the customers’s satisfaction, the scheduling, I’m actually more nervous that this job will become an excuse to keep me from writing. I suspect I might have to cut back on a lot of internet time. A lot of internet that I check daily. How many more blogs can I cut from my Reader? How can I keep myself away from fandom? Can I quit completely? I don’t think I can. It’s a habit I’ve had as long as I’ve had computers. I was 14 the first time I discovered fic. I know it’s not good for me, but it’s not as bad as some habit I could have picked up during my teen years.

That’s the weird thing about fandom. It does seem like a bad habit. It seems like something one outgrows after one turns a certain age. But, at the same time, it’s about writing and reading and analysing and forming community and encouraging creativity. And how can that be a bad thing?

A lot of commentary on the internet is about how it’s bad for you. But all those kids spending time on their phones and/or on the internet, they’re writing text messages and they’re making videos and they’re taking photographs. Instead of passively consuming television and film, they’re creating. That’s a good thing. It’s not a great thing, because most of what they’re creating today is shallow, but it’s a first step. A first draft. First drafts are allowed to be shallow. It’s a framework for the next draft, the better draft, the final draft that becomes something bigger.

That’s what the internet has given me. A medium. A tool. A venue. I don’t know where my creative energy might have gone if the internet hadn’t been invented. I would have figured something out, but it might have been 14 different somethings. With the internet, it all intersects. Patterns. I love patterns. I wonder if my love of sewing and fabric is what informs the way my brain looks for patterns and connections. That’s one of my ninja skills: the ability to glance at a piece of paper and see the words that are repeated, to see a specific word if asked, to see how things are laid out and could be better laid out.

The point of all this, that’s gotten a bit lost, is that I’m not going to stop writing. It’s harder now, but that just means I have to try harder. I have to keep myself motivated and undistracted and writing, even when I’m tired and can’t. It’s not true that there isn’t any time. I can make the time. I have to make the time if this is what I want to do with my life.